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December 03, 2014
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Dad Zone Funny Bone

December 03, 2014

Of course. Leave it to SmallBox’s resident goofball to snatch up the humor post. I get it.

You know, the old Kasey would have all kinds of yarns to spin in this situation. The old Kasey could tell you about the time his car got hit by a train (remember that old chestnut?!), or the time a whole bunch of pizza ended up in his dryer (a true classic!), or the time he and his college buddies spent an afternoon firing bottle rockets across Riverside Avenue at the Sigma Chi house (“Revenge of the Nerds” reference goes here!) but that Kasey is no more.

During last year’s ‘Boxtoberfest, four-or-so months before my wife and I were expecting our daughter Ava, I was cutting loose. With the clock ticking I was living like it was my own, personal, last days of Rome - all within the limits of decorum that attending a work event imposes. SmallBox had provided all of the proper refreshments but we hit a snag early on - no one could seem to tap the keg. Being the energetic, party-animal type of guy that I was, it wasn’t long before someone asked if I could help.

So, with a room full of clients and colleagues looking on with bated breath, I tackled the challenge head on and saved the day. It was only after the fact that I realized the faucet knob (the little thing you press down on to pour your beer) had been left in the engaged position (that’s “on” for you laypeople), covering me and half of the room surrounding my desk soaked in beer. The humiliation hit strong and true immediately, and the smell coming up from the carpet reminded me of it daily for weeks. Do you know how it feels to get covered in beer in front of some of Indiana’s best and brightest? Hilariously embarrassing.

As of Valentine’s Day 2014 that beer-soaked degenerate-lite Kasey has been replaced by Dad-Kasey and things move slower in Dad-time. There aren’t as many chances for consequence-free poor decision making. You aren’t around during those times when the universe seems to throw you a storytelling curveball – you’re in bed. In this new environment it goes without saying that, unless you consciously try to avoid it, about half of what you have to say will be baby-related.

…but every now and then you will be reminded of your past.

Since having a kid I’ve missed or ducked out early on most parties we have had, limiting the number of opportunities that could have lead to me embarrassing myself in front of startup CEOs, or artists, or whatever. When ‘Boxtoberfest rolled around this year I was more than happy to bring the family along, but I knew that we would need to head home to feed the kid. I was pretty relieved to know that I wouldn’t be covered in beer.

Once Katie and I got home we placed Ava in her high chair and I broke out the baby food (for her) and cracked a beer (for me). Babies, if you didn’t know, don’t have the best motor skills – they are prone to throwing things. Within seconds of sitting her food and my beer on the high-chair tray (out of her reach because I’m not a monster) Ava threw her pacifier directly below the chair.

Now, I’m not a spiritual person and I am an extreme skeptic when it comes to what most people would call “the supernatural,” but I truly believe the universe was working through my infant at this moment. Some supreme intelligence reached out across the vast cosmos and spurred my daughter, my own flesh and blood, to act as an agent against me. It was almost as if they had whispered to her…

“It’s been exactly one year since your father has been soaked in beer.”

Naturally, it was at this point, that Ava began kicking. I could hear the bottle tingling and shifting. My scalp and back felt cold. There was a solid “thump” against the side of my head. Bending down to pick up this pacifier couldn’t have taken two seconds, but somehow it proved to be the perfect amount of time for my lovely child to spill the contents of the bottle all over me and cause the bottle itself to smack me in my beautiful face.

As I was reflecting on how appropriate it was for this to happen I looked into my child’s face. Her response? She blew a raspberry at me.

Some things never change.


This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: "Deck the LOLs. Let's loosen up: share a side-splitting story from the last year. What made you laugh out loud until tears formed? What made you giggle every time it was referenced? Whether it's a story, an image, a video – we want to hear about the banana peel on the floor, your best practical joke, or gems from the mind of a three-year-old. Whether it's sassy, sarcastic, or just plain silly: make us laugh!"

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